Fake Fort Wayne: chronicle of an alternate history

Misinforming Northern Indiana since 1896.

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Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor

 

Deep beneath terra firma, in the bowels of the Allen County Courthouse, we find the secret to Fort Wayne’s general reluctance to embrace and accept change. The ‘Change Detection and Abolishment Framework’ (CDAF). Designed and built by Hicksville, Ohio Amish visionary Hiram Stoltzfus, the CDF was brought on-line in 1908 with the sole purpose of thwarting any and all attempts at meaningful, progressive change. Though many doubt it’s efficacy, life-long Fort Wayne residents can attest that it does indeed function as designed.  But HOW does it work? To quote Allen County Republican Chair Marty Whitebread (whose party is responsible for maintaining and calibrating the CDAF), “We really have no idea how it works. We don’t really think too much about it actually. Like I always say, if it aint broke - don’t go trying to fix it and stuff!” Despite Mr. Whitebread’s reluctance to divulge any clues on CDAF operation, many theories have been postulated throughout the years. Some say it works by introducing some form of change aversion liquid into the city’s water supply at the treatment plan on Spy Run Avenue, others believe it produces low frequency soundwaves projected through thousands of hidden speakers throughout the city, and still others will insist it regulates and injects change aversion gases via the air ducts in Georgetown Mall, government buildings, and Chinese buffet restaurants. I have seen the machine in action myself as I took this photo, and while I can not unequivocally testify to it’s ability to in fact, prevent change. I can report that it makes extremely cool beeping, whirring, buzzing, and hissing noises.

Deep beneath terra firma, in the bowels of the Allen County Courthouse, we find the secret to Fort Wayne’s general reluctance to embrace and accept change. The ‘Change Detection and Abolishment Framework’ (CDAF). Designed and built by Hicksville, Ohio Amish visionary Hiram Stoltzfus, the CDF was brought on-line in 1908 with the sole purpose of thwarting any and all attempts at meaningful, progressive change.

Though many doubt it’s efficacy, life-long Fort Wayne residents can attest that it does indeed function as designed. 

But HOW does it work? To quote Allen County Republican Chair Marty Whitebread (whose party is responsible for maintaining and calibrating the CDAF), “We really have no idea how it works. We don’t really think too much about it actually. Like I always say, if it aint broke - don’t go trying to fix it and stuff!” Despite Mr. Whitebread’s reluctance to divulge any clues on CDAF operation, many theories have been postulated throughout the years. Some say it works by introducing some form of change aversion liquid into the city’s water supply at the treatment plan on Spy Run Avenue, others believe it produces low frequency soundwaves projected through thousands of hidden speakers throughout the city, and still others will insist it regulates and injects change aversion gases via the air ducts in Georgetown Mall, government buildings, and Chinese buffet restaurants.

I have seen the machine in action myself as I took this photo, and while I can not unequivocally testify to it’s ability to in fact, prevent change. I can report that it makes extremely cool beeping, whirring, buzzing, and hissing noises.

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